Get ready for a better response rate.
Early in my career as a copywriter, I learned something useful: If I wrote something that did not work, it was not in my best interest to write the exact same thing again.
And yet, it’s what texters everywhere do when trying to get a response from someone they’re into.
Stop it. You sound like the mashup of a 7-year-old and a horse.
Never fear, my clueless friend. If your texts constantly get crickets in response, you have come to the right place. For no one texts like copywriters.
We know our audience, we have a vault of diverse and fascinating information, and WE ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO LET A CONVERSATION DIE. We’re not being ghosted. We’re simply in the early phases of a drip campaign.
Climb aboard. The train is leaving the station. Here are 43 openers to text your crush that work way better than whatever you’re using now.
So weird, a response is guaranteed.
“Do you think aliens taught humans how to churn butter?”
“Do bees ever get little crushes on people?”
“Ever think about the robot that will eventually kill you?”
“Do penguins have knees?”
“Is Pluto real?”
“What celebrity do I most not look like”
“Do you want to come over and watch raccoons fight over the full pot of spaghetti I threw into the trash”
Mitch Hedberg Lines You Completely Ripped Off, But Whatever, You’re Drunk And This Is Much Better Than The Alternative
“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, and I said ‘No… but I want a regular banana later, so yeah.’”
“My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really going on down there? Who is the real hero?”
“I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.”
That last one is a wonderful joke, and sending it to your crush is a terrible idea. Do not.
“I have no problem not listening to The Temptations, which is weird.”
“I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.”
Truly Terrible Photos and Screenshots
Don’t actually do any of these things.
Take a pic of cargo pants at the store and ask if they need any cargo pants
A screenshot, with absolutely no other context, of your most recent water bill
Change their name in your phone to something weird they said one time, then take a screenshot of it and send to them
Fun Ways To Ask Them Out
“Wanna look at some trees and maybe pet them because they’re alive and that stuff makes them happy?”
“Wanna ride bikes and look for nice dogs?”
“Wanna go for a jog with me and not worry about having to talk while we run?”
Cute Facts That Make You Go “Aww” or “Wow”
These would also wow a 5-year-old at bedtime. Thanks to reddit for these fun facts.
“Otters have skin pockets for their favorite rocks.”
“You can’t own one guinea pig in Switzerland. You have to have at least two because they get very lonely.”
“Bees tell each other about cool nearby flowers by dancing.”
“From the time Pluto was discovered until the time it was demoted from planethood, it still hadn’t made one complete revolution around the sun.”
“A blue whale’s tongue weighs more than most elephants.”
“There’s an island in Japan populated only by fluffy bunnies!”
Truly Sweet Things To Say
“Just a heads up, you’re important and I think you’re cool”
“You make everything more fun”
“I would learn guitar for you”
“How was your day?”
Change My Mind
Here come the hot takes.
“Pineapples are not good, change my mind”
“La Croix was invented by the government, change my mind”
“Psyduck is a platypus, not a duck, change my mind”
“No one’s toes are actually THAT gross, change my mind”
“Footloose is the best song of all time, change my mind”
“It’s weird that Little Bear hangs out with a bunch of adult animals instead of animals his own age, change my mind”
“Jim Halpert SUCKS, change my mind”
“hahaha remember when he convinced his new girlfriend to relocate for him, then dumps her for the receptionist they both work with, lol classic jim, change my mind”
“lmao i love it when jim hides money from his wife and starts a business without consulting her, what a dreamboat, change my mind”
Might work, might get you blocked.
Send pics of babies that look like George W. Bush
Send them a snap, then immediately send “OH NO don’t open that” so they think you accidentally sent them a nude. Then when they open it it’s just a picture of your really hairy calf.
Send a pic of a spider with the caption “wanna go to dinner and ARACH up the charges?”
“I’m wearing cargo pants”
By Luke Trayser